My Favorite 5 minutes!

My Favorite 5 Minutes!

What is your favorite time of the day? Is there something you do every day that just lights you up and makes you feel good inside? 

Now… let’s get one thing straight. The time I am thinking of IS my favorite time; however, it’s NOT always easy to do, I don’t always WANT to do it, and, well… sometimes it just doesn’t go as you planned. 

My favorite 5 minutes of every day are...

 the 5 minutes just before my kids go to bed!

Well…. maybe not always, but most of the time.

WHAT????  I know you are thinking, “HOW?” How can that be? Yelling at your kids to finish that last bit of homework, pick up that last piece of clothing off the floor, brush their teeth, say their prayers, get into bed, stay there, and ‘no, you can’t have a drink.’ How can that be fun???

Well. One day many years ago I was talking with a friend, a single mother who worked two jobs just to keep her family together. We talked about how hard it was to get our kids to listen to us and to keep a good positive relationship with them. She told me of a tradition that they did in their family. It’s called simply, “five.”

You finally get your child in bed (that’s the hard part!), and then go to him and kneel down by his bed, or crawl in beside him. Take out your hand and say something positive you like about your child, something you appreciate that he has done today, something you love about him. Take careful note of things you have been working on with him or that maybe he is struggling with. For example, if you have been potty training and he made it half the day, you say, “Wow! You were dry all morning! Thanks for paying attention and getting to the bathroom!” Yeah, it’s true he wet right after lunch, but you don’t say a word about that. ONLY POSITIVE.

Having my son ask for “five” is what makes it worth it. The relationship is what builds and is strengthened, and what makes this my favorite time of day. 

As my kids have grown, this “five” has taken on a different meaning. Now it’s 5 minutes to talk about the day. Sometimes I have them share things they liked about their day. Sometimes, we talk together about problems. Sometimes we read a story or do a puzzle. Sometimes they read me their journal. Sometimes “five” turns into “ten.” 

The rule is: no one gets to interrupt. Not eve
n Daddy. With each child, he or she gets undivided attention. And if I’m gone for work or play, they want me to do “five” in the morning.

It’s said that the most important times of the day are the first 15 minutes in the morning and the last 15 minutes before sleep.

Maybe that’s why they are my favorite. 

Thank you, dear friend, for sharing with me what has become a very important tradition in our home! And for making a difference in the lives of these amazing children of mine!

The problem with ‘Good’

The problem with ‘Good’

 

“Good job!” “That picture looks good!” “Looking good sweetie!” “You are a good brother!” “You are a good boy!”

 

Sounds ‘good,’ right? I thought so too… until the day when I told my son, “Remember – you are a good student! You are a good friend!” just before sending him off to school. 

He looked at me without saying a word, but his eyes told me plenty: “Oh, sure. Don’t worry about the bullies I just told you about and the fact that only 1 or 2 of all the kids like me. Don’t worry about the teacher that blames and punishes me with all the kids because she doesn’t know who did wrong. Don’t worry about the homework you yelled at me last night because I didn’t do it fast enough. Yeah – sure. I’m good?” 

When he was gone, I thought about what he had told me through that look. He was telling me he needed something different, but I didn’t know what. I had learned to use declarations, or positive affirmations to boost myself and my family up. I use them daily. What was wrong with saying what I said? Well, he just didn’t believe it, I thought. You are supposed to say it until you believe it. But that look had said so much MORE! I mulled and prayed.. and read.

I am reading a new favorite book of mine: Liberated Parents,Liberated Children by  Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It talked about just this thing. “To a lay person it always comes as a surprise when he praises a child generously and the child then becomes obnoxious. To the psychologist it's no mystery. He knows that children must throw off global praise, it's too confining. ...when we use global praise with children, we are practically asking for trouble." (pg. 57)

And that’s when it hit me: the phrase ‘You are a good student/friend” is too confining for him. My son hates authority, rules, and doing anything any way but his own. To say he IS good is like saying he HAS to be GOOD ALL THE TIME! To him, this is too much. Instead of trying, he gave up, made mischief and had as much fun as he could. Why try when it is impossible? 

So WHAT DO I DO??? 

My new favorite book had the answer as well: descriptive praise. Not a completely new concept to me; however, I was not using it correctly or effectively. This morning that changed.

I found something positive to ‘describe’ from the day before. When I woke him up I said, “Yesterday you told me how you earned a recognition in school. You said you were trying hard to pay attention even when the kids around you weren’t. That takes discipline and focus. You did it and got your reward. I wanted to tell you I appreciate your effort.” I then gave him a sticker in our reward system at home.

He smiled, and then told me he had talked with his brother the night before until after 9:00pm, (when he was supposed to be going to sleep) about the basketball tournament last weekend. I held back criticism and simply said, “I am happy you can talk to your brother about things that are important to you!” 

I didn’t even tell him to hurry up so he wouldn’t miss the bus; instead I simply said, “It is now 6:25.” He got up and got ready for school. Just before leaving he ran to me and said, “Today, when I get home from school I am going to take a 10 min break and then get right to work!”

That afternoon he took a longer break. He took all afternoon to do his chores and his homework. This time there was no badgering from me. I am finally learning to let him make his own decisions. He did finish his responsibilities. He even cleaned up his mess when he broke my glass measuring cup without me having to ask him to do it. Then I was able to describe that to him to: “I noticed when you made a mess, you went right ahead and cleaned it up. You swept all of the pieces off the floor. Where did you learn to clean up like that?”

He thought for a moment, “I guess I watched you and Dad do it.”

“You know. I am so glad you can watch Mom and Dad. Cleaning up after your mess was responsible. Thank you for cleaning up your mess!” His eyes beamed with pleasure. They were telling me a much different story than they had just the morning before.

Just before bed he said, “Tomorrow I am only going to take a 5 min break, and then get right to work!” Will he? Well, we will see. The day he does I will tell him, “Hey! You did exactly what you said you would. Now I know I can trust that when you say you will do something, you will.”

Oh… I almost forgot… about those declarations, “I am a good student! I am a good friend!”

They now read, “I am an attentive student!” and “I am a considerate and thoughtful friend!”

Now he will know exactly how to act, and he will believe he can.

Dealing with Bullying

Ok , I have an amazing story that I want to share with you, but it requires some background information. 

Last year my family and I took a class entitled “A Mind of Steel” taught by 3Key Elements. It taught our family about something they call, “dot people.” You know those voices you have in your head that argue with you or give you thoughts that bring you down? Those voices that are in you, yet are not YOU? Those are what we call “dot people.” In a cartoon depiction it’s the classic Angel and Devil talking to the person, who is confused and torn and GOING NOWHERE! 

These voices plague us with negative thoughts     all the day long. Sometimes we battle them and sometimes we succumb. The level of our success will depend upon how much we let these voices have time in our brain and a say in our choices.

Here it is: Dealing with Bullying

“Mom, I need to talk to you in private,” my son said.

            Ok – We went into my bedroom and sat on the bed. My son then told me how the kids on the bus are not only calling him a nerd and weird, (which we knew) but also asking him every day if he is gay.

            We have already had talks about looking strong and ignoring and staying busy doing other things, etc. etc. I was at a loss. What do I tell my amazing sweet innocent boy? How do I help him through this? I knew he had to get the anger out and so we talked about how he felt. I told him I wanted him to either say or write exactly how he felt and to ‘yell’ at the kids that were saying those things to him. I grabbed the pillows and propped them up on the bed. “This is who asks you every day if you are gay. And this is who calls you a nerd and this is who calls you weird. Now, tell them how they have made you feel and how mad you are.” He didn’t want to do it and had a hard time explaining his feelings.

            I asked him to pray with me. I said the prayer. As we prayed, the thought came to my mind, “These are ‘dot people.’” Aha!!! I knew what to do! When the prayer ended, I explained to my son what was happening.

            “Son, do you remember learning about the ‘dot people?’ People who tell us negative things in our minds and we have to block what they say. Do you remember?”

            “Yes. I know. Mom, I try so hard!”

            “I know! I know you do because here is what is happening. Remember on the CD “Mind of Steel” how Kirk explains that the dot people go to our head first, then our family and then… the other people out there? Well, you are blocking those thoughts and your family isn’t going to tell you those things, are we? No. So the dot people are now going to the kids on the bus and getting them to say those negative things to you. Son, it’s NOT THEM! It’s not the kids. It’s the dot people. You have to keep being strong, to keep blocking those thoughts. And when you do, NOTHING is going to stop you! You will be amazing! They are just making you strong!” At this point, he was crying in my arms. He wouldn’t look at me, but I just stayed there and held him.

            “Ok Son, are you ready? Are you ready to yell?” He was still hesitant and so we started together. I didn’t want to put words in his mouth, but he was so hesitant. I asked, “Do you feel sad?”

            “Yes.”

            Finally I was able to get him to say how he felt. He didn’t really yell, but he got his feelings out. He was much calmer now; more in control. When he was done, I said, “Now, tell them who you really are. Tell them the truth.”

 He started with, “I am useful,” (his opposite of worthless.)

            “What about valuable?”

“Ok. I am valuable.”

 “And who are you?” I prompted.

            “A child of God?” he said quietly.

            “That’s right. Tell them.”

            “I am a child of God,” he squeaked.

            “Say it like you mean it!” We went on like this doing our declarations or affirmations to the same 3 pillows. He ran off that night happily repeating to himself who he is and how wonderful he is.

            We have decided to do two tools every day from now on: declarations each morning before he goes to school, and each day when he returns home we are going to ‘yell’ at the kids and then tell them the truth. We also read Matt 5: 43-44 and talked about praying for these kids individually.

            I am excited to see what happens!

On Monday morning we did declarations, read scriptures together and put on some essential oils that guard from negative energy and encourage positive connections with individuals. 

He went off with a smile.

When he got home, he announced, “NO TEASING TODAY, MOM!!!”

TOOLS for Families infighting anger and negativity and staying POSITIVE

Do things ever get a bit                          --- crazy ---   at your house?

Have you ever...
a) given yourself a 'time out' as a parent?
b) had a child tell you that you needed a 'time out?'
c) started what I like to call a 'negative downward spiral' in your home?
d) all of the above?

My answer? D - all of the above

Let me share about just such a time.

It was Saturday and we were busily attacking the weekly chores so that we could do something fun as a family. Out of frustration and stress I said something on the negative side to my husband . Negative downward spiral started... 15 min later the whole house is in chaos, kids cowering, Daddy yelling, me biting my tongue and thinking...I started this!?!?

Daddy sat down to gain control and here comes my son with his little set of essential oils. He uses them daily to keep his mood and behavior in check and knows they help bring a sense of calm and peace to someone who is angry and stressed. He carefully reached out and handed them to Daddy, "Here, use my oils so you don't have to be angry." I smiled, hesitantly, not knowing how Daddy would react to his little boy. Deep breaths, good smells, and a good talk about how everyone was acting left us all in good spirits and better prepared to accomplish our chores and enjoy the afternoon together.

In my parenting I have discovered the POWERFUL uses of essential oils to keep myself and my family healthy and happy. I am grateful each day for the way these oils have touched our life.

I wanted a place where I could share the valuable information I am learning and gathering through my daily experiences with all of you amazing people; hence, this blog. I have 3 young children who are deaf and I am so happy to be a Mom to them.  Being a mother to deaf and hearing children puts a twist on parenting and there are many looking for support. This blog will include those experiences as well.  Come along and join me on my journey!

Here you will find:

• Parenting experiences, mental tools and strategies that will make you laugh, cry, and maybe re-think the way you have been parenting.
• Tips for parents of Deaf children. I meet parents often who are frustrated or looking for support - you can find that here.
•  Product information regarding doTERRA Essential oils in American Sign Language and English.
• Information on building an Education Team for doTERRA essential oil users, in ASL and English. 

Last word: please be patient! I am a busy mother! I will post as often as I can. Follow by entering your email on the side and you will get new posts delivered right to your inbox! Thanks!