Grateful for “Deaf”

I’m shopping in the store. I can feel the staring eyes before I look up. American Sign Language seems to be a magnet for it. Most of the time, the stares are curious. Many times I get questions. 

“How old is she?”

 

“18 months” I reply.

“Can she hear anything at all? How is she already signing?”

The first question I simply answer, “Not much, she’s Deaf.” 

The second question, I love. I love explaining how American Sign Language allows babies to express the language that is growing and developing inside of their heads long before vocal chords develop enough to form words. 

Sometimes the staring and the questioning has a hidden tone, a tone of pity, sympathy, sadness.

It is those stares and questions I wish to address today. 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be a part of a Deaf family. 

I am hearing, and I am grateful for my hearing. My husband is Deaf. I am grateful for him, just the way he is! I have four children: two boys, two girls; one hearing and three deaf, all amazing. 

I love that Deaf isn’t a disability in our world, it’s merely a part of who we are. 

I love that we can sign with our mouths full and from across a large room. I love that we can have private conversations in the middle of a room full of hearing people. I love that we are a part of a rich culture that continues to mold and change over time. I love the Deaf jokes, the stories, the richness of ASL. I love exploring my own skill in ASL as I read books and tell stories to the children.

I love how my hearing son started signing at age 6 months. His education, language, and personality has been developed by being bilingual. His ASL has grown by leaps and bounds this year. He supports his siblings in amazing ways and is a great big brother.

I love all of my children’s expressions, their stories, poems and ‘songs.’ I love that they feel free to develop their language and their many different abilities. In their eyes, there is nothing they cannot do. I love the “We Succeed Because We Can” poster that hangs on their door. They know about other Deaf adults who have succeeded in life, using ASL and their unique talents. Nothing stopped them. Nothing will stop my children. 

I love that my children know they are Deaf, and are proud of it. I love that my son is hearing and proud of that. 

I love the conversations we have had about identity and who we really are. When you describe yourself, what do you say? The focus has always been on likes, dislikes, abilities and talents and character. When we really get down to it, hearing and deaf… doesn’t really matter. The concern of, “He’s Deaf and I’m hearing,” melts away when you focus on who we are inside. 

 

                    We ARE people. 

                We ARE AMAZING. 

                          All of us. 

We are put together on Earth to learn and grow.

I’m grateful for my family. 

I’m grateful for the journey. 

I’m grateful for our place in the Deaf world.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to be the Mother of my amazing children.

I’m grateful each one has a place in my home and in my heart.

Not enough FUN!

Do you ever get so BUSY and WORRIED that you FORGET to have FUN???

Yeah, I do.

As Moms and parents, we are focused on our little ones. Do they have what they need? Are they happy? Is there enough food in the fridge? Is it healthy enough? Is there enough $ in the bank? How is school going? Sports? Friends?

I was feeling grumpy and disappointed one week. It hadn't been a particularly bad week, but was a week during a time when I was working hard and not seeing a lot of success from it. Being a "Momprenuer" that happens from time to time. The worry and fear seem to overtake the day to day joys of being a MOM and working from home.

I woke up one morning that week and said, "Today I need to have FUN!"

My daughter had tickets for the Carousel near where we live. What a great activity for a rainy day! Perfect. We got ready, ran some errands and headed over. I pulled up outside the Carousel to see a sign in big RED letters: "CLOSED."

Ahhhh.... When I explained what was wrong, my daughter looked at me and signed, "I sad."

"I'm sad too!" What to do? "Well," I said, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

She nodded. Thank goodness I had the umbrella and the stroller! Ok! We got out and had a beautiful walk in the misty rain. I love Fall. There were leaves on the grass, a crisp breeze on the wind, and colors everywhere. The river ran alongside our quick 15 min stroll. My daughter took off, running up the outside amphitheater. We took pictures. We laughed. We got wet! The mist turned to rain and we ran back to our car, both girls curled up in the stroller.

WHY, I thought to myself, haven't we done this more often? Hello! LIVE! 

Ok... isnt' that adorable? And completely FUN! Made my day!

My goal for this month: 

Have FUN EVERY DAY! 

Do something FUN each day!

Be grateful each day just to be alive, living and learning and growing! 

Join me! Be Grateful and do something fun!

My Favorite 5 minutes!

My Favorite 5 Minutes!

What is your favorite time of the day? Is there something you do every day that just lights you up and makes you feel good inside? 

Now… let’s get one thing straight. The time I am thinking of IS my favorite time; however, it’s NOT always easy to do, I don’t always WANT to do it, and, well… sometimes it just doesn’t go as you planned. 

My favorite 5 minutes of every day are...

 the 5 minutes just before my kids go to bed!

Well…. maybe not always, but most of the time.

WHAT????  I know you are thinking, “HOW?” How can that be? Yelling at your kids to finish that last bit of homework, pick up that last piece of clothing off the floor, brush their teeth, say their prayers, get into bed, stay there, and ‘no, you can’t have a drink.’ How can that be fun???

Well. One day many years ago I was talking with a friend, a single mother who worked two jobs just to keep her family together. We talked about how hard it was to get our kids to listen to us and to keep a good positive relationship with them. She told me of a tradition that they did in their family. It’s called simply, “five.”

You finally get your child in bed (that’s the hard part!), and then go to him and kneel down by his bed, or crawl in beside him. Take out your hand and say something positive you like about your child, something you appreciate that he has done today, something you love about him. Take careful note of things you have been working on with him or that maybe he is struggling with. For example, if you have been potty training and he made it half the day, you say, “Wow! You were dry all morning! Thanks for paying attention and getting to the bathroom!” Yeah, it’s true he wet right after lunch, but you don’t say a word about that. ONLY POSITIVE.

Having my son ask for “five” is what makes it worth it. The relationship is what builds and is strengthened, and what makes this my favorite time of day. 

As my kids have grown, this “five” has taken on a different meaning. Now it’s 5 minutes to talk about the day. Sometimes I have them share things they liked about their day. Sometimes, we talk together about problems. Sometimes we read a story or do a puzzle. Sometimes they read me their journal. Sometimes “five” turns into “ten.” 

The rule is: no one gets to interrupt. Not eve
n Daddy. With each child, he or she gets undivided attention. And if I’m gone for work or play, they want me to do “five” in the morning.

It’s said that the most important times of the day are the first 15 minutes in the morning and the last 15 minutes before sleep.

Maybe that’s why they are my favorite. 

Thank you, dear friend, for sharing with me what has become a very important tradition in our home! And for making a difference in the lives of these amazing children of mine!

The problem with ‘Good’

The problem with ‘Good’

 

“Good job!” “That picture looks good!” “Looking good sweetie!” “You are a good brother!” “You are a good boy!”

 

Sounds ‘good,’ right? I thought so too… until the day when I told my son, “Remember – you are a good student! You are a good friend!” just before sending him off to school. 

He looked at me without saying a word, but his eyes told me plenty: “Oh, sure. Don’t worry about the bullies I just told you about and the fact that only 1 or 2 of all the kids like me. Don’t worry about the teacher that blames and punishes me with all the kids because she doesn’t know who did wrong. Don’t worry about the homework you yelled at me last night because I didn’t do it fast enough. Yeah – sure. I’m good?” 

When he was gone, I thought about what he had told me through that look. He was telling me he needed something different, but I didn’t know what. I had learned to use declarations, or positive affirmations to boost myself and my family up. I use them daily. What was wrong with saying what I said? Well, he just didn’t believe it, I thought. You are supposed to say it until you believe it. But that look had said so much MORE! I mulled and prayed.. and read.

I am reading a new favorite book of mine: Liberated Parents,Liberated Children by  Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It talked about just this thing. “To a lay person it always comes as a surprise when he praises a child generously and the child then becomes obnoxious. To the psychologist it's no mystery. He knows that children must throw off global praise, it's too confining. ...when we use global praise with children, we are practically asking for trouble." (pg. 57)

And that’s when it hit me: the phrase ‘You are a good student/friend” is too confining for him. My son hates authority, rules, and doing anything any way but his own. To say he IS good is like saying he HAS to be GOOD ALL THE TIME! To him, this is too much. Instead of trying, he gave up, made mischief and had as much fun as he could. Why try when it is impossible? 

So WHAT DO I DO??? 

My new favorite book had the answer as well: descriptive praise. Not a completely new concept to me; however, I was not using it correctly or effectively. This morning that changed.

I found something positive to ‘describe’ from the day before. When I woke him up I said, “Yesterday you told me how you earned a recognition in school. You said you were trying hard to pay attention even when the kids around you weren’t. That takes discipline and focus. You did it and got your reward. I wanted to tell you I appreciate your effort.” I then gave him a sticker in our reward system at home.

He smiled, and then told me he had talked with his brother the night before until after 9:00pm, (when he was supposed to be going to sleep) about the basketball tournament last weekend. I held back criticism and simply said, “I am happy you can talk to your brother about things that are important to you!” 

I didn’t even tell him to hurry up so he wouldn’t miss the bus; instead I simply said, “It is now 6:25.” He got up and got ready for school. Just before leaving he ran to me and said, “Today, when I get home from school I am going to take a 10 min break and then get right to work!”

That afternoon he took a longer break. He took all afternoon to do his chores and his homework. This time there was no badgering from me. I am finally learning to let him make his own decisions. He did finish his responsibilities. He even cleaned up his mess when he broke my glass measuring cup without me having to ask him to do it. Then I was able to describe that to him to: “I noticed when you made a mess, you went right ahead and cleaned it up. You swept all of the pieces off the floor. Where did you learn to clean up like that?”

He thought for a moment, “I guess I watched you and Dad do it.”

“You know. I am so glad you can watch Mom and Dad. Cleaning up after your mess was responsible. Thank you for cleaning up your mess!” His eyes beamed with pleasure. They were telling me a much different story than they had just the morning before.

Just before bed he said, “Tomorrow I am only going to take a 5 min break, and then get right to work!” Will he? Well, we will see. The day he does I will tell him, “Hey! You did exactly what you said you would. Now I know I can trust that when you say you will do something, you will.”

Oh… I almost forgot… about those declarations, “I am a good student! I am a good friend!”

They now read, “I am an attentive student!” and “I am a considerate and thoughtful friend!”

Now he will know exactly how to act, and he will believe he can.